The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: Gottman’s Guide to Stronger Relationships

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman and his team at the Gottman Institute have spent over 40 years researching what makes the difference between couples who stay together and those who divorce. Thanks to this groundbreaking work, we don’t have to rely only on advice from family, friends, or stacks of self-help books.

What the Research Revealed

At the University of Washington, 147 couples were invited to live for 24 hours in an apartment nicknamed “The Love Lab.” Here, they did everyday things—cooking dinner, reading, watching TV—while psychologists observed.

After an initial adjustment period, couples behaved as they normally would. Over time, patterns emerged that allowed Dr. Gottman to predict—with 91% accuracy—which couples would eventually divorce.

The key difference? The “masters” of relationships practiced emotional intelligence, stayed connected, and embraced each other’s needs. The “disasters” didn’t.

Why Happy Relationships Matter

Couples in fulfilling marriages don’t just feel happier—they also enjoy better health. Research shows that people in strong partnerships live 4–8 years longer, handle stress better, and even have stronger immune systems.

At the heart of it, our needs in a relationship are universal:

• To be loved
• To be heard
• To be respected
• To be shown affection

The Seven Principles are tools couples can use to meet these needs and create a thriving relationship.

The Four Horsemen of Divorce

Arguments are normal—but how couples handle conflict makes all the difference. Gottman identified four communication patterns that predict divorce, known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:

1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Contempt
4. Stonewalling

Happy couples replace these patterns with empathy, repair attempts, and positive interactions.

The Seven Principles for a Strong Marriage

1. Enhance Your Love Maps

Build a detailed understanding of your partner’s world—their hopes, dislikes, daily stressors, and dreams. Keep revisiting as people grow and change.

2. Nurture Fondness and Admiration

Choose to focus on the positives. Appreciation and admiration are antidotes to negativity and conflict. Showing appreciation to your partner increases well-being—read more about the power of gratitude here.

3. Turn Toward Each Other

When your partner makes a “bid” for attention or affection, respond. Small moments of connection add up to deep trust and intimacy. Learn more about healthy conflict resolution strategies for couples.

4. Let Your Partner Influence You

Healthy relationships involve compromise. Accepting influence means valuing your partner’s perspective and looking for ways to honor their needs.

5. Solve Solvable Problems

Not every issue can be resolved—but 31% can. Work together with respect and patience to find compromises where possible. Even when problems feel overwhelming, simple coaching tools can help reduce stress—explore them here.

6. Overcome Gridlock

When arguments repeat endlessly, explore the deeper values and stories behind them. Understanding helps break the cycle.

7. Create Shared Meaning

Beyond problem-solving, create rituals, roles, and dreams that give your relationship a unique sense of “us.”

Your Journey Starts Here

Just by learning about the Seven Principles, you’re taking the first step toward a stronger, healthier relationship. With practice, these tools become second nature and help couples move from conflict to connection.

If you’d like to go deeper, join me for a Seven Principles workshop—a fun and interactive way to give your relationship the nurturing it deserves.