How Communicating Using the Four Horsemen Can Erode Your Relationship

Communication is vital if you are trying to reconnect with your partner after years of being together but feeling you have drifted apart. Sometimes we slip into negative communication patterns harmful to our relationship; John Gottman identifies these as a relationship's Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

While these patterns show up in many relationships, I often see them amplified in couples navigating ADHD, where nervous system reactivity and executive function challenges can intensify how conflict unfolds.

Let's talk about the negative communication patterns, and then in my next post, we can talk about how to communicate effectively.

The Four Horsemen

In John Gottman’s work, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the Four Horsemen are very common negative communication behaviors. We learn our communication patterns during childhood, and they are shaped by our emotions, experiences, and relationship dynamics.

It rarely ends well when a conversation begins with a negative tone or harsh words. However, if you have a strong emotional bank account with your partner, occasional missteps are repairable. It’s the repeated, sustained use of these patterns that causes real damage.

1. Criticism

It can be challenging to communicate hurt without sounding critical, but the key is to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Criticism suggests that your partner has a character flaw, rather than addressing a specific behavior.

For example, my client Jenn felt that her husband Todd was not understanding her need to be heard. A non-critical comment from Jenn to Todd might sound like:

“I felt upset when you talked about your day at dinner and didn’t ask about mine.”

This communicates her need clearly. But if she adds, “you are so selfish,” it shifts into criticism.

It’s OK to complain to your partner about something bothering you, but not to turn it into blame.
Complain, don’t blame.

2. Contempt

Contempt in a relationship often comes from a sense of superiority, believing your way is the right way. It can show up as name-calling (“you’re so stupid”), sarcasm (“well, you’ve never helped me before, why would you start now?”), or even nonverbal cues like eye-rolling.

Catch yourself in these moments. Even subtle contempt can be deeply damaging over time.

Contempt is also linked to physical health outcomes. Research suggests that ongoing exposure to this kind of relational stress can negatively impact the immune system.

3. Defensiveness

When we feel attacked, defensiveness is a natural response. If someone comes at you with criticism or sarcasm, it takes a lot of awareness not to react in kind.

But defensiveness keeps the cycle going.

To interrupt it, pause. Take a breath. Get curious about what might be underneath your partner’s reaction. This work takes effort from both people, but even one person shifting their response can begin to change the dynamic.

4. Stonewalling

The first three horsemen, criticism, contempt, and defensiveness, often build on each other during conflict. If no one interrupts the cycle, it can lead to stonewalling.

Stonewalling is exactly what it sounds like: putting up an emotional wall. It might look like:

• Ignoring your partner

• Turning to a screen

• Walking away without explanation

At this point, the nervous system is often overwhelmed, and meaningful communication isn’t possible.

If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, you’re not alone—and it doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. These are learned patterns, and they can be unlearned with awareness and practice.

In my next post, How to Communicate with Your Partner and Be Heard, I’ll explore how to shift these patterns and communicate with more clarity, respect, and connection.

If ADHD Is Part of Your Relationship

If you or your partner has ADHD, these patterns can feel more intense and harder to interrupt in the moment. Emotional reactivity, overwhelm, and miscommunication can escalate quickly.