Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism: How RAIN Helps You Be Kinder to Yourself

When life gets hard, most of us have an inner critic that jumps in before anyone else can.
It’s that voice that says, “You should’ve done better,” or “Why can’t you ever get it right?”

If you live with ADHD, perfectionism, or chronic self-doubt, this voice can be especially loud. It’s one of the ways shame shows up for women with ADHD — and self-criticism only keeps us stuck.

Self-compassion, on the other hand, helps us grow, recover, and thrive.

What Is Self-Criticism?

Self-criticism is the habit of judging yourself harshly when you make mistakes or fall short of expectations.
It often comes from fear - fear of failure, rejection, or not being “enough.”

You might think self-criticism keeps you accountable, but research shows it actually increases stress, shame, and procrastination. It activates the body’s threat response, making it harder to think clearly or bounce back.

Common signs of self-criticism include:

• Focusing on flaws instead of progress
• Comparing yourself to others
• Feeling like nothing you do is “good enough”
• Difficulty accepting praise or rest

---

What Is Self-Compassion?

According to Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a friend.
It’s not self-pity or letting yourself off the hook — it’s acknowledging that being human means sometimes struggling.

Self-compassion has three components:

1. Mindfulness - noticing your feelings without judgment.
2. Common humanity - remembering everyone makes mistakes.
3. Self-kindness - responding with care instead of criticism, sometimes by setting clear limits or learning the art of saying no when your plate is full.

When you practice self-compassion, you’re still accountable, but you do it with curiosity, not cruelty.

Tara Brach's RAIN Practice for Self-Compassion

One of Tara Brach's most useful tools for shifting from self-criticism to self-compassion is the RAIN practice.
RAIN is an acronym that stands for:

R – Recognize what’s happening.
Notice your emotions or inner dialogue. “I feel frustrated” or “I’m telling myself I failed.”

A – Allow the feeling to be there.
You don’t have to push it away or fix it right now. Just breathe and make space for it.

I – Investigate with curiosity.
Ask gently, “What do I need right now?” or “What’s really hurting?”

N – Nurture with kindness.
Offer yourself care, maybe a deep breath, a supportive phrase, or a short break.

Over time, RAIN rewires how you respond to stress. It fosters emotional resilience, enabling you to replace harshness with understanding.

---

Why This Matters (Especially for Women with ADHD)

Women with ADHD often internalize criticism,  from others and from themselves. You might replay mistakes, overanalyze conversations, or feel guilty for not doing “enough.” This connects closely to the mental load many women carry, the constant invisible pressure to keep everything running smoothly.

Practicing self-compassion (and RAIN) interrupts that cycle. It helps you normalize setbacks instead of seeing them as proof of failure.

When you meet your own struggles with empathy, you create space for real change, not perfection. That same balance of kindness and accountability shows up in healthy boundaries too, especially in business. Read more in The Importance of Setting Boundaries for Small Business Owners

---

Try This Mini Practice

Next time you catch your inner critic saying something unkind:

1. Pause and take a slow breath.
2. Name what’s happening: “I’m feeling disappointed.”
3. Remind yourself: “Everyone makes mistakes,  I’m not alone.”
4. Offer a kind phrase: “I’m learning, and that’s okay.”

---

Self-compassion is not weakness.
It’s one of the most powerful ways to strengthen motivation, resilience, and emotional balance.
By practicing RAIN, you teach your brain that growth doesn’t come from punishment; it comes from kindness.

If you’re ready to quiet your inner critic and build lasting confidence, book a free consultation call to learn how ADHD-informed coaching can help you practice self-compassion in daily life.